[Cole's just being at the moment so there's no rush . His turn to take a moment before replying. He doesn't want to sound like things are awful]
Sorry your real parents aren't great. But I'm glad you have a good family here.
There's been a lot going on in both of my other found families. Both here and in my world. Some of it isn't really good, but some of it is stuff I wonder if I'm the problem.
There were a lot of things that happened to divide us all. I try not to take sides, but I usually end up where someone isn't being supported as much. They can't do better if they can't see where they were and weren't wrong.
But I also don't believe in always being on one side in all things, because I've seen the bad that does.
And I'm not really good at just listening to someone when what they're dealing with affects me too, because I feel the need to try and help fix so they can be okay. I'm working on that, but it's hard when things still aren't really fixed.
That's not all of it, but it feels a lot like I shouldn't do anything or my feelings are the problem here. I want things to be better, but it feels like the best answer is that I just accept being in the low priority as normal. Which it pretty much has been.
You're a lot like Deku, Cole. You both care too much about other people. And how you can help even when it might not be needed.
It's not a bad thing. You're a good person with a good heart. But it sounds like trying to help and please everyone is biting you in the ass.
And as much as its probably not what you want to hear: not everyone wants things to be fixed, either. Sometimes you just need to leave things be and let them be upset for as long as they need to be. Or let people try and fix whatever's broken on their own. Especially if "sides" are involved. It's usually better to let people fix their relationship issues on their own as much as you want them to be friendly and get along again. And sometimes when people are in the wrong, you need to let them find that out on their own or they might end up digging in their heels more.
[Katsuki's speaking from experience of course...]
I don't have the whole context so I might be talking out of my ass instead of being helpful. So take what I say with a grain of salt. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in either way and I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.
The problem is that it's in my house, with the people I see and feel every day, or otherwise affects or puts me or someone in danger too. I don't know how to make myself leave it alone when it's RIGHT THERE, or when it hurts or when it means I have to watch. Or be an afterthought except where it doesn't really matter.
That's why I'm pretty sure it's a me problem. I can deal with it when it doesn't directly look me in the face while telling me it's not my problem or just how it has to be. But when I have to eat, sleep, and breathe the fallout then how do I step back and be okay?
You're not wrong though. This is past two years and still going whether I do anything or don't. Better, but still broken.
You might need to literally step away Cole. Stay somewhere else for as long as it feels right.
I've done that. A lot. I would stay at a friend's house for days at a time or go on a hike and camp out somewhere until I felt better. Sometimes it worked and they made up to get me to come home again.
Or you could stay home and tell them how they're making you feel instead of trying to help them feel better. Make it hell for them to live with you until they get their shit together if that's easier than talking to them. If they cared about you, they'd care about how it's been affecting you.
But you have to actually let it be known one way or another, rather than trying to mediate and play nice.
I did finally. Say something. Again recently. We're going to try some things to start going back how things were. But I worry that being how I am means that won't ever really happen.
I feel like it's that weird thing where he cares, but he has to care about his other family more.
I'm missing a lot of context here, but it sounds like you need to be on this guy's ass more. Or more firm.
He might be assuming that because of how nice you are, you'll forgive him and his faults more than the other people he's dealing with. Or maybe his other family is pressuring him a lot more than you.
If you want the context, it'll be easier the next time you want to visit. But the cliff notes is that our family imploded because of a lot of things with him and my boyfriend...and both of their boyfriend. Things got strained and a lot of mistakes were made. He's like a child as far as relationship experience and needs to make mistakes and find his own way. And he has a whole family that I don't feel safe around (which is how I feel 99% of places) because I keep getting hurt by things they do indirectly and having to think about consequences to other people or consider that wrong steps were taken don't feel like a priority.
And no, it's just the "they're his kids so he has to always take their side for everything even if he doesn't agree unless they had no reason at all to do whatever it is no matter what it hurts" thing. My other family did that too. And I really can't.
If my family was treating someone I cared about poorly. I wouldn't immediately take their side. I think it's shitty as hell to side with someone just because they're related to you.
That's just me, though. And I'm still talking without knowing much. You want to meet up so we can talk about this in depth?
I've got a lot of experience with shitty family expecting you to defend them when they've done something wrong. I stopped inviting friends to my place around twelve years old because of my mom. She made every visit awful and would get mad whenever I called her out on it. Saying things like family should stick up for one another and trying to make me feel like I'm the problem for standing up to her.
I can't imagine taking her side. Especially if it was my boyfriend. So it's definitely not just you.
I do remember the room. I'll be there in a few.
[He leaves after sending that message. And after about a half hour, he's at the hotel and arriving to Cole's room. Knocking on the door.]
I'm glad there's that. But she shouldn't be an asshole about that.
[He sits on his bed again and crosses his legs.]
I don't remember a lot about how she used to be, besides kind and a social worker. But after I was taken, she's the only one who knew that someone else came home with my face.
And then I found out she left to become a monster hunter while I was gone so she could find me. Which isn't something I ever thought would come out of my mouth.
[Katsuki listens quietly. Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, feeling a little.... restless, strangely, as Cole tells him about his mom and how she was kind and cared for others enough to be a social worker. How she immediately noticed something was wrong and worked hard to try and find him. How she became a monster hunter on her quest to.
It's not really something he can relate to. He can't imagine his mom doing anything even remotely similar in his case....]
...she sounds awesome. Becoming a monster hunter doesn't sound easy, and not every mom would risk their life even for their children.
[He smiles a little bit, but it looks... a little sad.]
[Cole notices the restlessness and pats the spot next to him. He can guess that it's not a fun comparison to his own mother.]
To me she always was one. My dad too, even if he didn't know that I was replaced. He was a cop so sometimes it was almost like they were a team. They were what I wanted to be growing up. Finding out she left for me was a little sad. But she came back just in time and helped me save Dad when it mattered. Thanks to Mike technically.
I didn't get to see them for long, but I hope they're safe together.
[He smiles a little sadly and then brightens a little.]
And I know Mike can and will do even more for you if you ever need him to. I've seen him do it before.
[Katsuki's smile softens as he listens to Cole talk more about his parents and how cool both of them were. Even if he thought cops were silly and respected them even less after working with them, he understood that they were kind of the Heroes of worlds without superpowers. Or that they could be, anyway. As long as they had a good heart, which it sounded like Cole's father did.
And on the subject of fathers, Mike is brought up and when he is it has Katsuki smile just a little bit more.]
Mike's already done enough as it is, honestly. My mom wanted nothing but results from me, and never told me she was proud. She only ever told me to keep going for the next victory, and just wanted trophies to show off to her friends and brag. She screamed at me, insulted me, and hit me all the goddamn time even when I wasn't doin' anything wrong and my dad was too scared to stand up to her.
I had to defend myself every single day from that old hag.
[Which is why he's so angry and loud himself... always on edge due to always needing to fight in his own home...]
Mike's the complete opposite of the both of 'em. He tells me when he's proud of me. He hugs me and says that he loves me. He uses stupid puns all the time even when they annoy me, and he's never hit me even when I really pissed him off and deserved it. He's the perfect dad... the perfect parent.
[Katsuki's so grateful for him, honestly. He's learned so much from Mike and has grown as a person in ways he never even thought possible just by having such a good influence around him.]
And he'd come runnin' to save me if I ever got kidnapped again. Unlike my real parents.
My real parents blamed me when it happened back home. 'Ma called me a little bitch in front of my goddamn teachers and said if I'd been stronger, I wouldn't have been kidnapped by Villains in the first place.
[Which probably makes sense why this is a bit of an uncomfortable subject for him. His mom is... very different than Cole's.]
[Listening to Katsuki compare his parents and Mike is a little jarring, putting it lightly. Mike is definitely an exceptional dad. But having a parent who expects everything of you so harshly while the other can't or won't do anything to make it better is awful. It makes his skin crawl a little. And it does explain a lot of why Katsuki is the way he is. He went quiet and observant and resigned, but Katsuki is always ready to fight for himself.
But then Katsuki mentions being kidnapped and the response to it and Cole's face settles into that more neutral one he often has...but the one where he has an opinion, because there's only one thing to say to that.]
[Of all the things Katsuki expected to hear in response to him opening up a little about his parents, it wasn't for Cole to immediately tell him that his mom was wrong for blaming him. That she was wrong to say he wasn't strong enough. He expected an apology for having a tough upbringing... so he looks a little confused.]
I guess, yeah, she's wrong for actually saying it to me. But if I had been stronger, I could've just kicked those Villains asses and saved myself. I should've been able to... but at the time, my explosions were puny.
[It's pretty clear that despite his complicated relationship with his mom, her words still stick to him like glue and he truly believes what she's said to him. He took it to heart far too much.]
I didn't work hard enough to master my Quirk in time, and it's my fault that people got hurt trying to save me.
[How are there so many people who end up thinking and feeling this way The fact that he blames himself for his situation back home...because he made a deal to save his own life...he knows more people who feel like this than don't. And he hates that for each and every person he knows.]
Yeah...no. That's not how that works, Katsuki. It's wrong for her to believe it, and to put that on you. It's the fault of the people who kidnapped you. Not yours.
[Katsuki is quiet for a couple of moments, considering what he's been told. Of course he has thought that before. That it wasn't fair for his mom to put that on him, and that it wasn't fair that it was his fault. But it's... difficult to not take the blame for it. So many people were hurt, and his idol had to retire from being a Hero thanks to the fight over Katsuki that nearly took him out. The blonde felt that, in a weird way, he had to take the blame in order to be a responsible person. That, as long as he worked hard to be stronger so this never happened again, he could somehow atone for everything. As if he had to atone at all in the first place.
And even when his mom said in front of his teacher and idol that it was his fault, they didn't correct her. They both stayed silent and moved the conversation along, which made Katsuki think even more that she must be right. Silence from his dad always meant agreement, after all.]
...but they're Villains. They always do bad shit no matter what, and they'll never take blame for anything. Which means it's up to us to make the decisions that save lives, not them. And I didn't make a single one.
[Why is he even trying to argue that he's guilty for this? It's easier to agree, yet he just doesn't quite feel convinced enough to...]
A lot of people lost a lot that day, Cole. For my sake, even though I treated all of them like shit up until that point.
I can't tell myself that nothing was my fault, when I'm the one who was at the center of it all. When there's so much I could've done that I just... didn't.
It's up to you to put the responsibility on them, not to take it because they won't. I've been struggling with something similar. And I've been told so many times that being forced into situations where people got hurt for and because of me...or I wasn't strong enough...still means it's their fault because they're the ones that chose harm.
[Cole is very aware of the fact that his purpose has been a convenient tool. A lure to attract people who will care about him and get drawn into the schemes of people much more powerful than any of them. And he struggles with that guilt and fear every day and with every relationship.]
The guilt you're feeling is normal. But it doesn't make it your fault. Knowing it is might not make it ever hurt less. But you didn't choose to be kidnapped or for people to be hurt. So it isn't your fault. You just...feel the need to do better so it can't happen again. To be better.
[....Cole is right. And Katsuki knows it, as much as he still feels guilt even though it's been well over a year now since it happened. It's probably unhealthy to keep clinging to his mother's words, and to keep taking the blame for something he couldn't help. Of course it's still easier said than done, but Cole's words do resonate with him. And after being silent, he walks over and finally takes that seat next to his big brother.]
...at least most of the fuckers involved are dead, now. I got my revenge, and they can't do anything to hurt anyone else ever again.
[He became stronger, as he felt he had to.]
And... I guess I'll try not to blame myself as much. 'Cuz... you're right that I didn't choose or ask to be kidnapped. And it's not like I had a choice when I was born with a powerful Quirk, either.
[Wasn't he coming over to offer an ear to Cole... Katsuki isn't sure how this turned into him needing some help through complicated feelings, nor was he aware how bad it was, either. Blaming himself for what happened... but he feels a little thankful for this. There's a weight on his shoulders that he never noticed before that was being lifted, just a little bit.]
[You already called him out on his tendency to want to help. And finding out that you have a similar experience with completely opposite responses. The fact it's something he's familiar with is pure coincidence, but probably good because being protective means he won't let those thoughts sit.]
Good. Less people like that is always better.
[He really wishes he could say the same more.]
I can't ask more than you try. And you didn't ask any more than I did to be part of some cosmic luck equation.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Sorry your real parents aren't great. But I'm glad you have a good family here.
There's been a lot going on in both of my other found families. Both here and in my world. Some of it isn't really good, but some of it is stuff I wonder if I'm the problem.
no subject
Knowing you? I doubt you've been the problem. But what's been happening that makes you think you've done something wrong?
no subject
There were a lot of things that happened to divide us all. I try not to take sides, but I usually end up where someone isn't being supported as much. They can't do better if they can't see where they were and weren't wrong.
But I also don't believe in always being on one side in all things, because I've seen the bad that does.
And I'm not really good at just listening to someone when what they're dealing with affects me too, because I feel the need to try and help fix so they can be okay. I'm working on that, but it's hard when things still aren't really fixed.
That's not all of it, but it feels a lot like I shouldn't do anything or my feelings are the problem here. I want things to be better, but it feels like the best answer is that I just accept being in the low priority as normal. Which it pretty much has been.
no subject
It's not a bad thing. You're a good person with a good heart. But it sounds like trying to help and please everyone is biting you in the ass.
And as much as its probably not what you want to hear: not everyone wants things to be fixed, either. Sometimes you just need to leave things be and let them be upset for as long as they need to be. Or let people try and fix whatever's broken on their own. Especially if "sides" are involved. It's usually better to let people fix their relationship issues on their own as much as you want them to be friendly and get along again. And sometimes when people are in the wrong, you need to let them find that out on their own or they might end up digging in their heels more.
[Katsuki's speaking from experience of course...]
I don't have the whole context so I might be talking out of my ass instead of being helpful. So take what I say with a grain of salt. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in either way and I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.
no subject
That's why I'm pretty sure it's a me problem. I can deal with it when it doesn't directly look me in the face while telling me it's not my problem or just how it has to be. But when I have to eat, sleep, and breathe the fallout then how do I step back and be okay?
You're not wrong though. This is past two years and still going whether I do anything or don't. Better, but still broken.
no subject
I've done that. A lot. I would stay at a friend's house for days at a time or go on a hike and camp out somewhere until I felt better. Sometimes it worked and they made up to get me to come home again.
Or you could stay home and tell them how they're making you feel instead of trying to help them feel better. Make it hell for them to live with you until they get their shit together if that's easier than talking to them. If they cared about you, they'd care about how it's been affecting you.
But you have to actually let it be known one way or another, rather than trying to mediate and play nice.
no subject
I feel like it's that weird thing where he cares, but he has to care about his other family more.
no subject
He might be assuming that because of how nice you are, you'll forgive him and his faults more than the other people he's dealing with. Or maybe his other family is pressuring him a lot more than you.
no subject
And no, it's just the "they're his kids so he has to always take their side for everything even if he doesn't agree unless they had no reason at all to do whatever it is no matter what it hurts" thing. My other family did that too. And I really can't.
no subject
If my family was treating someone I cared about poorly. I wouldn't immediately take their side. I think it's shitty as hell to side with someone just because they're related to you.
That's just me, though. And I'm still talking without knowing much. You want to meet up so we can talk about this in depth?
no subject
I'm at the Haven Hotel. Lucifer went home and came back not okay, so I've been staying to help out more You remember the room, right?
no subject
I can't imagine taking her side. Especially if it was my boyfriend. So it's definitely not just you.
I do remember the room. I'll be there in a few.
[He leaves after sending that message. And after about a half hour, he's at the hotel and arriving to Cole's room. Knocking on the door.]
no subject
...I'm sorry your mom isn't very good. I think you would have liked mine more.
no subject
When his mom is mentioned, his expression softens a little.]
...she's not the worst. She still gives me a house and food and wants the best for me. Even if she's a huge asshole about it.
[There's a lot more he could say about her, though. It's far more complicated than what he's said.]
I ain't surprised you've got a good mom yourself. You came out well so someone's gotta be responsible for that
no subject
[He sits on his bed again and crosses his legs.]
I don't remember a lot about how she used to be, besides kind and a social worker. But after I was taken, she's the only one who knew that someone else came home with my face.
And then I found out she left to become a monster hunter while I was gone so she could find me. Which isn't something I ever thought would come out of my mouth.
no subject
It's not really something he can relate to. He can't imagine his mom doing anything even remotely similar in his case....]
...she sounds awesome. Becoming a monster hunter doesn't sound easy, and not every mom would risk their life even for their children.
[He smiles a little bit, but it looks... a little sad.]
She'd be a great Hero, I bet.
no subject
To me she always was one. My dad too, even if he didn't know that I was replaced. He was a cop so sometimes it was almost like they were a team. They were what I wanted to be growing up. Finding out she left for me was a little sad. But she came back just in time and helped me save Dad when it mattered. Thanks to Mike technically.
I didn't get to see them for long, but I hope they're safe together.
[He smiles a little sadly and then brightens a little.]
And I know Mike can and will do even more for you if you ever need him to. I've seen him do it before.
no subject
And on the subject of fathers, Mike is brought up and when he is it has Katsuki smile just a little bit more.]
Mike's already done enough as it is, honestly. My mom wanted nothing but results from me, and never told me she was proud. She only ever told me to keep going for the next victory, and just wanted trophies to show off to her friends and brag. She screamed at me, insulted me, and hit me all the goddamn time even when I wasn't doin' anything wrong and my dad was too scared to stand up to her.
I had to defend myself every single day from that old hag.
[Which is why he's so angry and loud himself... always on edge due to always needing to fight in his own home...]
Mike's the complete opposite of the both of 'em. He tells me when he's proud of me. He hugs me and says that he loves me. He uses stupid puns all the time even when they annoy me, and he's never hit me even when I really pissed him off and deserved it. He's the perfect dad... the perfect parent.
[Katsuki's so grateful for him, honestly. He's learned so much from Mike and has grown as a person in ways he never even thought possible just by having such a good influence around him.]
And he'd come runnin' to save me if I ever got kidnapped again. Unlike my real parents.
My real parents blamed me when it happened back home. 'Ma called me a little bitch in front of my goddamn teachers and said if I'd been stronger, I wouldn't have been kidnapped by Villains in the first place.
[Which probably makes sense why this is a bit of an uncomfortable subject for him. His mom is... very different than Cole's.]
The worst part is that she ain't even wrong.
no subject
But then Katsuki mentions being kidnapped and the response to it and Cole's face settles into that more neutral one he often has...but the one where he has an opinion, because there's only one thing to say to that.]
Yeah. She is.
no subject
I guess, yeah, she's wrong for actually saying it to me. But if I had been stronger, I could've just kicked those Villains asses and saved myself. I should've been able to... but at the time, my explosions were puny.
[It's pretty clear that despite his complicated relationship with his mom, her words still stick to him like glue and he truly believes what she's said to him. He took it to heart far too much.]
I didn't work hard enough to master my Quirk in time, and it's my fault that people got hurt trying to save me.
no subject
Yeah...no. That's not how that works, Katsuki. It's wrong for her to believe it, and to put that on you. It's the fault of the people who kidnapped you. Not yours.
no subject
And even when his mom said in front of his teacher and idol that it was his fault, they didn't correct her. They both stayed silent and moved the conversation along, which made Katsuki think even more that she must be right. Silence from his dad always meant agreement, after all.]
...but they're Villains. They always do bad shit no matter what, and they'll never take blame for anything. Which means it's up to us to make the decisions that save lives, not them. And I didn't make a single one.
[Why is he even trying to argue that he's guilty for this? It's easier to agree, yet he just doesn't quite feel convinced enough to...]
A lot of people lost a lot that day, Cole. For my sake, even though I treated all of them like shit up until that point.
I can't tell myself that nothing was my fault, when I'm the one who was at the center of it all. When there's so much I could've done that I just... didn't.
no subject
[Cole is very aware of the fact that his purpose has been a convenient tool. A lure to attract people who will care about him and get drawn into the schemes of people much more powerful than any of them. And he struggles with that guilt and fear every day and with every relationship.]
The guilt you're feeling is normal. But it doesn't make it your fault. Knowing it is might not make it ever hurt less. But you didn't choose to be kidnapped or for people to be hurt. So it isn't your fault. You just...feel the need to do better so it can't happen again. To be better.
no subject
...at least most of the fuckers involved are dead, now. I got my revenge, and they can't do anything to hurt anyone else ever again.
[He became stronger, as he felt he had to.]
And... I guess I'll try not to blame myself as much. 'Cuz... you're right that I didn't choose or ask to be kidnapped. And it's not like I had a choice when I was born with a powerful Quirk, either.
[Wasn't he coming over to offer an ear to Cole... Katsuki isn't sure how this turned into him needing some help through complicated feelings, nor was he aware how bad it was, either. Blaming himself for what happened... but he feels a little thankful for this. There's a weight on his shoulders that he never noticed before that was being lifted, just a little bit.]
no subject
Good. Less people like that is always better.
[He really wishes he could say the same more.]
I can't ask more than you try. And you didn't ask any more than I did to be part of some cosmic luck equation.
(no subject)
(no subject)