[Katsuki's smile softens as he listens to Cole talk more about his parents and how cool both of them were. Even if he thought cops were silly and respected them even less after working with them, he understood that they were kind of the Heroes of worlds without superpowers. Or that they could be, anyway. As long as they had a good heart, which it sounded like Cole's father did.
And on the subject of fathers, Mike is brought up and when he is it has Katsuki smile just a little bit more.]
Mike's already done enough as it is, honestly. My mom wanted nothing but results from me, and never told me she was proud. She only ever told me to keep going for the next victory, and just wanted trophies to show off to her friends and brag. She screamed at me, insulted me, and hit me all the goddamn time even when I wasn't doin' anything wrong and my dad was too scared to stand up to her.
I had to defend myself every single day from that old hag.
[Which is why he's so angry and loud himself... always on edge due to always needing to fight in his own home...]
Mike's the complete opposite of the both of 'em. He tells me when he's proud of me. He hugs me and says that he loves me. He uses stupid puns all the time even when they annoy me, and he's never hit me even when I really pissed him off and deserved it. He's the perfect dad... the perfect parent.
[Katsuki's so grateful for him, honestly. He's learned so much from Mike and has grown as a person in ways he never even thought possible just by having such a good influence around him.]
And he'd come runnin' to save me if I ever got kidnapped again. Unlike my real parents.
My real parents blamed me when it happened back home. 'Ma called me a little bitch in front of my goddamn teachers and said if I'd been stronger, I wouldn't have been kidnapped by Villains in the first place.
[Which probably makes sense why this is a bit of an uncomfortable subject for him. His mom is... very different than Cole's.]
[Listening to Katsuki compare his parents and Mike is a little jarring, putting it lightly. Mike is definitely an exceptional dad. But having a parent who expects everything of you so harshly while the other can't or won't do anything to make it better is awful. It makes his skin crawl a little. And it does explain a lot of why Katsuki is the way he is. He went quiet and observant and resigned, but Katsuki is always ready to fight for himself.
But then Katsuki mentions being kidnapped and the response to it and Cole's face settles into that more neutral one he often has...but the one where he has an opinion, because there's only one thing to say to that.]
[Of all the things Katsuki expected to hear in response to him opening up a little about his parents, it wasn't for Cole to immediately tell him that his mom was wrong for blaming him. That she was wrong to say he wasn't strong enough. He expected an apology for having a tough upbringing... so he looks a little confused.]
I guess, yeah, she's wrong for actually saying it to me. But if I had been stronger, I could've just kicked those Villains asses and saved myself. I should've been able to... but at the time, my explosions were puny.
[It's pretty clear that despite his complicated relationship with his mom, her words still stick to him like glue and he truly believes what she's said to him. He took it to heart far too much.]
I didn't work hard enough to master my Quirk in time, and it's my fault that people got hurt trying to save me.
[How are there so many people who end up thinking and feeling this way The fact that he blames himself for his situation back home...because he made a deal to save his own life...he knows more people who feel like this than don't. And he hates that for each and every person he knows.]
Yeah...no. That's not how that works, Katsuki. It's wrong for her to believe it, and to put that on you. It's the fault of the people who kidnapped you. Not yours.
[Katsuki is quiet for a couple of moments, considering what he's been told. Of course he has thought that before. That it wasn't fair for his mom to put that on him, and that it wasn't fair that it was his fault. But it's... difficult to not take the blame for it. So many people were hurt, and his idol had to retire from being a Hero thanks to the fight over Katsuki that nearly took him out. The blonde felt that, in a weird way, he had to take the blame in order to be a responsible person. That, as long as he worked hard to be stronger so this never happened again, he could somehow atone for everything. As if he had to atone at all in the first place.
And even when his mom said in front of his teacher and idol that it was his fault, they didn't correct her. They both stayed silent and moved the conversation along, which made Katsuki think even more that she must be right. Silence from his dad always meant agreement, after all.]
...but they're Villains. They always do bad shit no matter what, and they'll never take blame for anything. Which means it's up to us to make the decisions that save lives, not them. And I didn't make a single one.
[Why is he even trying to argue that he's guilty for this? It's easier to agree, yet he just doesn't quite feel convinced enough to...]
A lot of people lost a lot that day, Cole. For my sake, even though I treated all of them like shit up until that point.
I can't tell myself that nothing was my fault, when I'm the one who was at the center of it all. When there's so much I could've done that I just... didn't.
It's up to you to put the responsibility on them, not to take it because they won't. I've been struggling with something similar. And I've been told so many times that being forced into situations where people got hurt for and because of me...or I wasn't strong enough...still means it's their fault because they're the ones that chose harm.
[Cole is very aware of the fact that his purpose has been a convenient tool. A lure to attract people who will care about him and get drawn into the schemes of people much more powerful than any of them. And he struggles with that guilt and fear every day and with every relationship.]
The guilt you're feeling is normal. But it doesn't make it your fault. Knowing it is might not make it ever hurt less. But you didn't choose to be kidnapped or for people to be hurt. So it isn't your fault. You just...feel the need to do better so it can't happen again. To be better.
[....Cole is right. And Katsuki knows it, as much as he still feels guilt even though it's been well over a year now since it happened. It's probably unhealthy to keep clinging to his mother's words, and to keep taking the blame for something he couldn't help. Of course it's still easier said than done, but Cole's words do resonate with him. And after being silent, he walks over and finally takes that seat next to his big brother.]
...at least most of the fuckers involved are dead, now. I got my revenge, and they can't do anything to hurt anyone else ever again.
[He became stronger, as he felt he had to.]
And... I guess I'll try not to blame myself as much. 'Cuz... you're right that I didn't choose or ask to be kidnapped. And it's not like I had a choice when I was born with a powerful Quirk, either.
[Wasn't he coming over to offer an ear to Cole... Katsuki isn't sure how this turned into him needing some help through complicated feelings, nor was he aware how bad it was, either. Blaming himself for what happened... but he feels a little thankful for this. There's a weight on his shoulders that he never noticed before that was being lifted, just a little bit.]
[You already called him out on his tendency to want to help. And finding out that you have a similar experience with completely opposite responses. The fact it's something he's familiar with is pure coincidence, but probably good because being protective means he won't let those thoughts sit.]
Good. Less people like that is always better.
[He really wishes he could say the same more.]
I can't ask more than you try. And you didn't ask any more than I did to be part of some cosmic luck equation.
[Katsuki still doesn't quite feel right, and has more to chew on when he goes back home... but he's grateful for Cole trying to help, and drawing from his own experience certainly does. He can't really blame himself when Cole's comparing the two...]
That's.. true. Yeah. Neither of us asked for what happened to us.
[And it's truly not their fault that they both seem like useful tools to evil people.]
'M sorry this turned into a damn therapy session, Cole. I was s'posed to listen to your worries but you ended up having to hear me yap about depressing shit instead.
[Cole blinks at the apology and then he actually chuckles.]
You should know by now you don't need to apologize to me for having things to work through. It's worthwhile to listen to you and help if I can. You're worth talking to. And not only when I'm hungry.
[Which he's not. Which is good because vampires are generally pretty bland if he was. Katsuki doesn't need to know that though.]
Probably a good thing we did talk about that though, before I give the cliff notes of the issue with my family and well...me in general. Since weird fairy and other supernatural stuff makes it more complicated.
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And on the subject of fathers, Mike is brought up and when he is it has Katsuki smile just a little bit more.]
Mike's already done enough as it is, honestly. My mom wanted nothing but results from me, and never told me she was proud. She only ever told me to keep going for the next victory, and just wanted trophies to show off to her friends and brag. She screamed at me, insulted me, and hit me all the goddamn time even when I wasn't doin' anything wrong and my dad was too scared to stand up to her.
I had to defend myself every single day from that old hag.
[Which is why he's so angry and loud himself... always on edge due to always needing to fight in his own home...]
Mike's the complete opposite of the both of 'em. He tells me when he's proud of me. He hugs me and says that he loves me. He uses stupid puns all the time even when they annoy me, and he's never hit me even when I really pissed him off and deserved it. He's the perfect dad... the perfect parent.
[Katsuki's so grateful for him, honestly. He's learned so much from Mike and has grown as a person in ways he never even thought possible just by having such a good influence around him.]
And he'd come runnin' to save me if I ever got kidnapped again. Unlike my real parents.
My real parents blamed me when it happened back home. 'Ma called me a little bitch in front of my goddamn teachers and said if I'd been stronger, I wouldn't have been kidnapped by Villains in the first place.
[Which probably makes sense why this is a bit of an uncomfortable subject for him. His mom is... very different than Cole's.]
The worst part is that she ain't even wrong.
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But then Katsuki mentions being kidnapped and the response to it and Cole's face settles into that more neutral one he often has...but the one where he has an opinion, because there's only one thing to say to that.]
Yeah. She is.
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I guess, yeah, she's wrong for actually saying it to me. But if I had been stronger, I could've just kicked those Villains asses and saved myself. I should've been able to... but at the time, my explosions were puny.
[It's pretty clear that despite his complicated relationship with his mom, her words still stick to him like glue and he truly believes what she's said to him. He took it to heart far too much.]
I didn't work hard enough to master my Quirk in time, and it's my fault that people got hurt trying to save me.
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Yeah...no. That's not how that works, Katsuki. It's wrong for her to believe it, and to put that on you. It's the fault of the people who kidnapped you. Not yours.
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And even when his mom said in front of his teacher and idol that it was his fault, they didn't correct her. They both stayed silent and moved the conversation along, which made Katsuki think even more that she must be right. Silence from his dad always meant agreement, after all.]
...but they're Villains. They always do bad shit no matter what, and they'll never take blame for anything. Which means it's up to us to make the decisions that save lives, not them. And I didn't make a single one.
[Why is he even trying to argue that he's guilty for this? It's easier to agree, yet he just doesn't quite feel convinced enough to...]
A lot of people lost a lot that day, Cole. For my sake, even though I treated all of them like shit up until that point.
I can't tell myself that nothing was my fault, when I'm the one who was at the center of it all. When there's so much I could've done that I just... didn't.
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[Cole is very aware of the fact that his purpose has been a convenient tool. A lure to attract people who will care about him and get drawn into the schemes of people much more powerful than any of them. And he struggles with that guilt and fear every day and with every relationship.]
The guilt you're feeling is normal. But it doesn't make it your fault. Knowing it is might not make it ever hurt less. But you didn't choose to be kidnapped or for people to be hurt. So it isn't your fault. You just...feel the need to do better so it can't happen again. To be better.
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...at least most of the fuckers involved are dead, now. I got my revenge, and they can't do anything to hurt anyone else ever again.
[He became stronger, as he felt he had to.]
And... I guess I'll try not to blame myself as much. 'Cuz... you're right that I didn't choose or ask to be kidnapped. And it's not like I had a choice when I was born with a powerful Quirk, either.
[Wasn't he coming over to offer an ear to Cole... Katsuki isn't sure how this turned into him needing some help through complicated feelings, nor was he aware how bad it was, either. Blaming himself for what happened... but he feels a little thankful for this. There's a weight on his shoulders that he never noticed before that was being lifted, just a little bit.]
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Good. Less people like that is always better.
[He really wishes he could say the same more.]
I can't ask more than you try. And you didn't ask any more than I did to be part of some cosmic luck equation.
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That's.. true. Yeah. Neither of us asked for what happened to us.
[And it's truly not their fault that they both seem like useful tools to evil people.]
'M sorry this turned into a damn therapy session, Cole. I was s'posed to listen to your worries but you ended up having to hear me yap about depressing shit instead.
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You should know by now you don't need to apologize to me for having things to work through. It's worthwhile to listen to you and help if I can. You're worth talking to. And not only when I'm hungry.
[Which he's not. Which is good because vampires are generally pretty bland if he was. Katsuki doesn't need to know that though.]
Probably a good thing we did talk about that though, before I give the cliff notes of the issue with my family and well...me in general. Since weird fairy and other supernatural stuff makes it more complicated.